My Journey with Self Care 2018

January 29, 2018

My first week goal was to improve my self care in regards to my health.  I challenged myself to drink 100 oz. of water, eat a fruit and vegetable and walk for ten minutes every day for seven days.  I wasn't perfect but was able to improve my awareness of my health.  I have had some emotions bubble up to the surface as I have tried to implement new changes into my routine.  

I learned at a conference recently that our spirit will not let go of the negative energy/emotions from our past until we acknowledge the growth and learning from the struggle.  We must see the benefits from the bad and hard things we have went through in our life.  

We must accept the growth to move forward.  It was suggested that we make a list of gains/benefits from the experience to see the value.  The value is not in arriving at the end of the struggle but in the journey of growth we had while in the midst of storm.  

I am starting my list because I want to release the extra weight on my body.  I know that just writing the list won't magically cause the weight to disappear.  I believe that as I find the gratitude, growth and embrace the struggle I will find answers on what step to take next.  

Love, Karalee 

 

Peace and Preparation

Peace and Preparation

It's almost been a year since my life took a different course than the one I had planned on.  My eternal sweetheart was called home and moved through the veil to return to his Heavenly Father, Jesus and many loved ones that were there to greet him.  I am grateful that Heavenly Father through the Holy Ghost had prepared me for this moment not only in the weeks before Brett passed away but several years before. 

I had always told Brett that if he died first, I would be admitted to the psychiatric ward because I wouldn't be able to function without him.  In 2014 at Christmas time, I had a nervous breakdown and was put into the psychiatric ward for 72 hours as a protection to myself.  After 2 days of isolation because I had the flu, I choose to go back to the psychiatric floor so I could get treatment to help me manage my mental illness.  I spent nine days including Christmas in the hospital with little contact from Brett because of circumstances beyond his control.  

As I had time to reflect in the hospital I learned some valuable lessons.  I had a new perspective of what my mom went through when she had to spend time in the psychiatric ward when I was growing up.  I could feel her around me and helping me through this frightening experience.  I had to face my fear that Brett might not be able to handle my diagnosis and could choose to walk away.  I had to take ownership for the things I didn't do to take care of myself, for those that I hurt and for whatever happened when I returned home.  I had to accept that others would set up boundaries to protect themselves and their families.

I learned that I could be alone. I learned that music brings calmness and peace to my mind, body and spirit. I learned the importance of silence and that I needed to listen more.  I gained appreciation for my freedom.  I learned coping skills to manage my emotions, the importance of sleeping and eating healthy and that I would be responsible for my actions and taking my medication once I left the hospital. I felt my Savior's love and the Holy Ghost comforting me. 

So you may ask, "How did this prepare you for Brett's death?".  I had gained some important knowledge and experience that has helped me to face my new reality.  I had already faced my fear of being hospitalized and had made the choice to take care of myself so that I wouldn't need to return.  I had the coping skills in place, support systems, medication and evidence that I could do hard things, survive and move forward.  

So many friends and family are amazed at the way I am handling Brett's passing.  They remind me that I am strong, brave and moving forward.  I am grateful for the challenges I have had in my life because they have shaped me into who I am today.  I have been able to feel peace, joy and happiness in this past year.  I  am grateful for the growth I have had and for the chance to practice my coping skills.   

Being a widow is by far the hardest thing I have experienced in my life this far.  The grieving process is exhausting and comes in waves.  I wouldn't change my circumstances because I have had incredible growth this past year.  I miss Brett with all my heart and I look forward to the day we are reunited. 

In honor of Brett, I am choosing for the next month to create four self care experiences in preparation for February 16th, the one year anniversary of Brett's passing, and journal about it here on my blog. My first self care experience relates to my physical health.  I have chosen to drink 100 ounces of water, eat a fruit and vegetable and walk for ten minutes each day for seven days and celebrate with getting a massage. 

I choose to take care of myself.  I choose to be responsible for improving my health.  I choose to live my life experiencing peace, joy, happiness, sadness, grief and the hundreds of other emotions we humans feel.  My life is good and my journey is one of growth.

I am Karalee.  I am a single, married, widow embracing my new normal.  I am a daughter of God and He loves me and I love Him.  I am loved, safe and protected by my King.

I love you.

Karalee
 

Where dreams come true? The power of choice

Brett and I at Disneyland 

for my 40th Birthday Celebration

I love the magic of Disneyland.  The sights, smells, laughter, music and the happy people bring a smile to my face.  Brett and I were like a couple of kids when we would go to Disneyland.  We loved to take photo's with the characters and you would see us waiting for our turn alongside all the children and their parents.  I love that Brett helped bring the kid out in me.  Brett loved to play and found joy in the simplest of things.  Brett loved to laugh and being around him when he laughed lifted your spirits up.  You couldn't help but smile even when the joke wasn't that funny or he had told it to you before.  The world got a little quieter when Brett returned to his heavenly home but I am sure the angels are enjoying having him there.

Next, Monday night October 16th it will be eight months since Brett passed through the veil and returned to a joyous reunion with family, friends and the Savior Jesus Christ.  I believe that Brett was shown the growth I would have in my life if he was willing to go home early.  I believe that Brett went willingly because he loved me so much.  I believe that Brett knew that the experience of being a widow would help me to serve others, grow closer to my Savior and apply the Atonement in my life, and allow me to accomplish my mission here on Earth

I know part of my mission here on Earth is to serve others by sharing my story. I know that part of my story really affected Brett emotionally and changed our relationship.  Brett was fearful of the experience happening again and was just starting to open up and share with me about six months before he died. We had a lot of talks, shared our emotions, cried, held each other, cried some more and were learning to communicate better.

I decided I didn't want to live my life with regrets after Brett died.  The problem with this thinking for me was I do have regrets.  I heard a woman tell a story about regret today and I want to share what I learned.  The woman was telling a story about a daughter who was sitting with her mother at the end of her life.  The daughter asked her mother if she would change anything in her life so she wouldn't feel any regret.  The mother replied, "No, I treasure my regrets because my regrets show my growth".

I am at a pivotal point in my journey on earth.  I can go into scarcity thinking and blame others, be angry, play the victim, and spiral downward and beat myself up and stay stuck.  Or I could choose to live in abundance and express gratitude, love, trust, forgive and celebrate the ways I have changed and grown.  I have a choice to make.  I am the only person that can pick up the puzzle piece and place it into my abundance picture.  No one can do that for me. 

I feel a need to write and share what I have learned from the growth experiences I have had through out my life. This blog is where I choose to write my stories and allow myself the opportunity to change the way I feel, think and talk about my life. I am picking up the puzzle piece that I have power over and taking action steps to move me into living an abundant life. 

As a daughter of God I am learning to have compassion for others that are grieving the loss of a spouse, parent or loved one. I feel empathy and love for those of us that feel depressed, experience anxiety or have spent time in a hospital learning the skills to help manage a mental illness. I am learning to forgive by asking for a portion of my Heavenly Father's love for myself and others.  I am learning that I get to choose how my story ends.

 Love, Karalee

It is safe to be me.  It is safe to be seen. I love me.
I am a daughter of God. He loves me and I am one of his precious creations.