Thursday, August 29, 2013

Grateful for Boulders

Boulders. OK. You might ask why I would be grateful for boulders so I will tell you. As I journey through life there always seem to be big giant boulders in my way. Many of them I can easily roll out of my way because I have seen that particular boulder before. I have learned how to break it into smaller pieces because I have had success in moving that boulder out of my life. There is this one boulder that keeps appearing in my path. This boulder I just can't move out of the way. I have to climb over it. Sometimes I fall off the boulder and I slide back down scraping my hands, knees and face. The scratches bleed a little, they sting and hurt. Sometimes I just decide to turn around and find an easier path. The problem with the easier path is it circles around until I am back standing in front of this boulder again. This boulder comes in many shapes and sizes and it usually is disguised as another kind of rock. So when I start to break into smaller pieces It just keeps getting bigger. This boulder is called FEAR. This week the boulder has been disguised as anger, resentment, stress and negative thoughts.

So at 4:30 am when I couldn't sleep I opened my daring greatly book and I read this quote Dad told me months ago. "PEACE is the absence of fear and a movement into LOVE." So today I want to conquer this boulder. I asked myself what am I afraid of? Success, accomplishing my goal, not having anyone to blame for my success or failure. Being enough, reaching my dreams, letting go of the familiar and becoming a new me.

I know this side of the boulder very well. I have climbed it for 30 plus years. This side of the boulder is safe. I know that if I stumble and fall I will get hurt but I know how to bandage those wounds. I have used food as a way to stuff down the feelings of anger, resentment, stress and negative thoughts. Only this time I have changed my relationship with food. I don't use it as a way to push the feelings away. It won't calm my fears anymore and bring me temporary peace. I know that to conquer this boulder of fear I need to take love in my backpack so I can get to the top. Love is hard thing to keep a hold of. Especially love for myself but it is the only way to get to the top.

Today I literally climbed this boulder. It is made of concrete. I have come to the top of the boulder many times in the past few weeks. I have stepped onto the bridge and walked part way and then turned around and went back to what was familiar. The other side of the bridge held peace and progress but I was to afraid to keep my eye on the goal and put one foot in front of the other.

Many of you know I have an extreme fear of heights. The concrete boulder I am referring to is the sky-bridge that goes across Bangerter Highway @ 7800 South, in West Jordan, Utah. I have wanted to conquer this fear of heights but I stopped every time but not today. I walked across the bridge and went down the other side. Then to prove to myself that it wasn't just a fluke, I walked back up the concrete hill and crossed the bridge again. I kept my eye on the goal and did it. This is a metaphor for the boulder of FEAR that keeps showing up in my path. I walked up one side of the boulder, crossed the bridge, found peace and held onto love.

I love myself too much to quit this journey. There will be many more mountains to climb, boulders of FEAR disguised as anger, resentment or stress to move out of my path. Today I put extra love into my backpack for next time I come across this boulder. I know that if I fall I can get back up and dust myself off and try again. I am learning to love myself enough to continue on this journey. Peace is the absence of fear and a movement into love. I chose Love for today. I am worth it. I choose success. I choose to keep walking.

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