Saturday, November 23, 2013

Starting over again....


Before & Now


 I am being brave in sharing these pictures and I am sure many of you will be disgusted at my morbid obesity but I want to be honest with myself of where I started and where I am now.  I am a person who needs to see things visually.
I am experiencing a minor set back right now but I have come a long way and I need to remind myself of where I don't want to be again. 

This journey "off the sidelines and into my life" is like a roller coaster.  You don't know if you are going up or coming down or what's around the next turn.  I am just holding on for dear life and trying to learn something new from each twist and turn.

I made progress yesterday.  I had a day filled with shame, which is a major food trigger for me, and I didn't stuff my feelings with the candy in the candy jar.  I felt the feelings, expressed them and found a different way to cope.  So today I start over again and try to repeat the positive things I learned yesterday.

Thanks for letting me share my journey.  It's not always pretty but it's real, honest and it's mine.

Thanks for stopping by...



Thursday, November 21, 2013

The great chocolate macadamia nut hangover of 2013....

OK..It's time for a bit more honesty.  This is the hardest part of my weight loss journey admitting when I have fallen off the path to a healthier me and I am stuck under a boulder that's made of chocolate covered macadamia nuts, coconut ice cream, and every other sweet or salty treat I can find.

It's been this way for a few months but it got really bad once I had my first chocolate covered macadamia nut in Hawaii.  I couldn't get enough.  I ate them like I was stranded on a desert island and that was all the food that was left.  I ate a whole bag (over two lbs I think) by myself.  I would sneak eat at night (I missed a couple and they melted all over my sheets) in bed or in the office.

I keep trying to get to the bottom of why I feel the need to stuff my feelings and become numb.  I have had some experiences in the past month or so where I was brought back to my youth when I felt awkward, unloved, unaccepted by friends and family and I haven't wanted to feel those feelings.  Some of the days I just ate until I felt sick trying to push those feelings away.   Other days I felt those crappy feelings but wanted to mask the pain so I ate.

I remember one Friday night I was alone in my home office watching a movie on television and I was back to an old habit of eating the ice cream right out of the carton.  I had a big spoon and I was shoveling it in.  When I finally stopped I had eaten the remaining ice cream in the carton.  It was almost half full.

So I have been committing myself everyday to try better and some day's I exercises, eat my fruits and veggies and do really well.  But other days are like this morning.  I started off great..I ate my peanut butter sandwich and carrots on my drive home from taking Brett to work.  But the binging cycle began again when I had to stop at the grocery store for hairspray.  I bought 3 Lindor truffles (they were gone before i left the parking lot) and then finished off the Doritos's and corn chips from this weekend.  I feel physically sick now.  It's going to be a long day. It's like the chocolate macadamia nut hangover all over again....

I have decided that changing your life is hard.  I am reading a book about loving your body right now.  The author has worked with anorexics, bulimics and others with food addictions overcome the problems and retrain your brain.  I think that's the hardest part of this journey for me.  It's so easy to slip back into old habits of unhealthy eating, making excuses on why you can't fit exercise into your life and on and on.

So this is where I am at.  I am stuck under my boulder.  I haven't written much because it's painful to admit that you are failing and using your old coping mechanisms to shove these feelings back down.  Each day or even hour is a time to start again.  So I am going to eat my apple for lunch and go for a walk on this cool winter day to do something positive for my health.  I may be stuck in a rut but I am not defeated.  I will learn to love this body and take care of it.  That includes my brain and retraining it to think a better thought.

Thanks for stopping by...


Wednesday, November 20, 2013

The turkey flap....

The turkey flap...

A couple of months ago I was sitting with my nephew Sam who is three.
We were talking about muscles and weight lifting.
 He used to watch his brother Tyler lift weights.
  He asked to see my muscles so I flexed like in the picture.
  He thought it was all muscles (ha ha ha).
  I moved my arms and the bottoms flapped like a turkeys wings.
He wanted to touch them so I said it was ok.
 He touched them and said, "They are not like Tyler's".
  I told him,"I know I need to start lifting weights like Tyler did".  

So this is the stuff the weight loss shows don't talk about..
All the excess skin you have leftover after having a  big weight loss.
   I have some work to do to tone up the arms.
  I know I will probably always have some of the excess skin because
 I stretched it to the limit as I gained weight over the years.

   So does anybody have any helpful hints to tone this part of the arms? or a good trainer that could help me?

Monday, November 4, 2013

Don't quit

Don't Quit
When you've eaten too much and you can't write it down,
And you feel like the biggest failure in town.
When you want to give up just because you gave in,
and forget all about being healthy and thin.
So What! You went over your points a bit,
It's your next move that counts...So don't you quit!
It's a moment of truth, it's an attitude change.
It's learning the skills to get back in your range.
It's telling yourself, "You've done great up till now.
You can take on this challenge and beat it somehow."
It's part of your journey toward reaching your goal.
You're still gonna make it, just stay in control.
To stumble and fall is not a disgrace,
If you summon the will to get back in the race.
But, often the struggler's, when loosing their grip,
Just throw in the towel and continue to slip.
And learn too late when the damage is done,
that the race wasn't over...they still could have won.
Lifestyle change can be awkward and slow,
but facing each challenge will help you grow.
Success is failure turned inside out,
the silver tint in a cloud of doubt.
When you're pushing to the brink, just refuse to submit,
If you bite it, you write it....But don't you quit!
- Author Unknown


Climb the Mountain & Imagine

Climb The Mountain

I tried to climb the mountain today. As I inched my way up the path, I felt out of breath and had to turn back.
I tried to climb the mountain today. But, It was so hot outside, I thought I had better stay in my nice air-conditioned house and rest up for tomorrow's attempt.
I tried to climb the mountain today. On my journey, darkness started to fall and I was full of fear, so I had to return to a safe place.
I was ready to climb the mountain today. But I had so may other things to do, so instead of climbing the mountain I took care of the much more important tasks; I washed my car, mowed the grass and watched the big game. Today the mountain will have to wait.
I was going to climb the mountain today. But as I stared at the mountain in all it's majestic beauty, I knew I had no chance of making it to the top, so I figured why even begin trying.
I had forgotten about climbing the mountain today, until an old friend came by and asked what I was up to lately. I told him about all my plans to climb that mountain someday. I went on and on about how I was going to accomplish the task.
He stopped me and said, "I just got back from climbing that mountain. for the longest time I told myself I was going to try to climb it but never made any progress."
"I almost let the dream of making it to the top die. I came up with every excuse of why I could not make it up the mountain, but never once did I give myself a reason why I could. One day as I stared at the mountain and pondered, I realized that if I didn't make an attempt at this dream all my dreams would eventually die."
" The next morning, I started my climb. It was not easy, and at times I wanted to quit. But no matter what I faced, I placed one foot in front of the other, keeping a steady pace. When the wind tried to blow me over the edge, I kept walking. When the voices inside my head screamed, stop! I focused on my goal, never letting it out of sight. I kept moving forward. I could not quit because I knew I had come too far to stop now. Time and time again, I reassured myself that I was going to finish this journey. I struggled mightily to make it to the top, but I CLIMBED THE MOUNTAIN."
"I have to be going," my friend said. "Tomorrow is a new day to accomplish more dreams. By the way what are you going to do tomorrow?"
I looked at him, with intensity and confidence in my eyes, and said, "I HAVE A MOUNTAIN TO CLIMB."Author Unkown

Recall the things that have held you back. And imagine how you now
can get beyond them.
Think of the problems that have frustrated you so. And imagine how
you can now rise above them.
Look at how far you've come. And imagine how far you can now go.
Think of all that you've learned. And imagine what you can now do
with that knowledge.
Consider all you've done in the past year. And imagine what you'll
now be able to do.
You're now in a better position than ever to imagine the very best.
And what you can imagine will lead to what you can be.
-- Ralph Marston


  "If you've invested enough effort and energy to get discouraged, you're well on your way to success. Discouragement is a certain weigh station on the road to any worthwhile achievement.
   If you know and care enough to be discouraged, you've made considerable progress. Learn what the discouragement has to teach you and then continue moving forward. It may seem as though you'll never make it, but in reality you're already there. Discouragement tempers and hardens you; it does not stop you.
   Reflect on your discouragement and you'll discover that it is a result of your commitment. You've already invested your time, your effort, your life. Soon, you'll reap the full reward of that investment. Let discouragement spur you on.
   Motivation is born of desire. The stronger the desire for something, the stronger the motivation.
   Endeaver to keep the promises we make to ourselves... We deserve to be treated with the same love and respect that we would give to others....." (By CW on bootcamp buddies)