Thursday, November 21, 2013

The great chocolate macadamia nut hangover of 2013....

OK..It's time for a bit more honesty.  This is the hardest part of my weight loss journey admitting when I have fallen off the path to a healthier me and I am stuck under a boulder that's made of chocolate covered macadamia nuts, coconut ice cream, and every other sweet or salty treat I can find.

It's been this way for a few months but it got really bad once I had my first chocolate covered macadamia nut in Hawaii.  I couldn't get enough.  I ate them like I was stranded on a desert island and that was all the food that was left.  I ate a whole bag (over two lbs I think) by myself.  I would sneak eat at night (I missed a couple and they melted all over my sheets) in bed or in the office.

I keep trying to get to the bottom of why I feel the need to stuff my feelings and become numb.  I have had some experiences in the past month or so where I was brought back to my youth when I felt awkward, unloved, unaccepted by friends and family and I haven't wanted to feel those feelings.  Some of the days I just ate until I felt sick trying to push those feelings away.   Other days I felt those crappy feelings but wanted to mask the pain so I ate.

I remember one Friday night I was alone in my home office watching a movie on television and I was back to an old habit of eating the ice cream right out of the carton.  I had a big spoon and I was shoveling it in.  When I finally stopped I had eaten the remaining ice cream in the carton.  It was almost half full.

So I have been committing myself everyday to try better and some day's I exercises, eat my fruits and veggies and do really well.  But other days are like this morning.  I started off great..I ate my peanut butter sandwich and carrots on my drive home from taking Brett to work.  But the binging cycle began again when I had to stop at the grocery store for hairspray.  I bought 3 Lindor truffles (they were gone before i left the parking lot) and then finished off the Doritos's and corn chips from this weekend.  I feel physically sick now.  It's going to be a long day. It's like the chocolate macadamia nut hangover all over again....

I have decided that changing your life is hard.  I am reading a book about loving your body right now.  The author has worked with anorexics, bulimics and others with food addictions overcome the problems and retrain your brain.  I think that's the hardest part of this journey for me.  It's so easy to slip back into old habits of unhealthy eating, making excuses on why you can't fit exercise into your life and on and on.

So this is where I am at.  I am stuck under my boulder.  I haven't written much because it's painful to admit that you are failing and using your old coping mechanisms to shove these feelings back down.  Each day or even hour is a time to start again.  So I am going to eat my apple for lunch and go for a walk on this cool winter day to do something positive for my health.  I may be stuck in a rut but I am not defeated.  I will learn to love this body and take care of it.  That includes my brain and retraining it to think a better thought.

Thanks for stopping by...


1 comment:

  1. I love that you are willing to be honest and tell us how hard the journey can really be. We all have boulders but most of us either don't admit it or stay under it and don't try to reach for the top. I truly hope you can figure out how to conquer your boulder, I would love to hear how you overcome it. I love you no matter what and think you truly are an inspiration to me and so many others.