Tuesday, June 16, 2015

I love myself unconditionally right now

June 16, 2015

Today I love myself unconditionally right now as I am today.  I love my body as it is today.  I am well over 400 lbs and I love this body that God created for me.  

I met with a new trainer today.  Her name is Deb. She is a professional body builder.  
It took a great amount of courage to walk back in the gym today.  Deb was late for our appointment and I stood near the front desk feeling invisible at 400 plus pounds as five male trainers stood waiting for their clients.   I had already felt nauseous and dry heaved in the locker room.  I kept asking myself, "what are you doing?"

I had prayed asking God for the courage to show up and so that's what I did.  We sat down at the beginning of our appointment and I told her I was scared.  I didn't know if I could do this again.  I was afraid of failing.  After she listened we got up and walked around the gym about three times and then sat down.  I was breathing pretty heavy but i felt good.  We talked some more and set goals and then walked around two more times before my session was over.  

I committed to:

1. Walk ten to 15 minutes a day (three times a day)
2. Keep a food diary on Myfitnesspal.com
3. Give up pastries for the week.
4. Look in the mirror and say, "I love myself unconditionally right now".  

If I wish to continue training with her I need someone to invest in me and my health.  I need $1800.00 or $150.00/per month.    I am open to receiving the help I need.   I want a chance to prove to myself that I can succeed.




Love, Karalee 

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Winter Walking
February 6, 2014

So I am making progress at the gym even though I think my personal trainer likes to torture me with things I think are impossible.  Of course I have been able to do a part of each new workout he has given me.  So I guess the word impossible actually means I'M POSSIBLE.  

I love walking outdoors.  I don't know if you do but nothing clears my head, centers me or helps me put things in perspective like a walk.  I didn't appreciate this until last summer when I started walking up near Little Cottonwood canyon.  There is a beautiful neighborhood with hills that I used to walk at each morning.  It's far enough away from the main roads that you can actually hear the wind whistle in the trees, the birds chirping, silence and watch the beautiful Utah sunrises.  Awe the days of summer....They will be here soon.

But right now in my world it's winter.  There is snow, ice, 22 degrees or below at 5:00 am in the morning but I am getting sick of the treadmill at the gym so I decided to brave the cold and ice and walk outside this morning.  I bundled up with two coats, my cell phone and keys.  I told Brett to call me when he was ready to leave for work and I would tell him where I was at so he could pick me up.   Well, I walked 2 miles in 45 minutes.  I was surprised that I felt so good I could have walked longer.  I was able to almost keep the pace I do on the treadmill.  It amazes me that in a little over a year my life has changed so drastically.  So tomorrow I am going to go again and maybe one of these days I can do 3 miles before Brett catches up to me.  .     . 

See you on the Sidewalk....


Monday, January 27, 2014

#I want warm weather now!
Do you ever have those days in the middle of winter
where it warms up to 40 degrees and you walk outside without your jacket
 and you feel like your in a tropical heat wave?

OK...Maybe not a tropical heat wave but it feels
nice to see the sunshine and feel it's warmth on your face.  
I had one of those days today.... 

It started out cold and I wanted to go for a walk before my iron infusion.  I walked around the IHC hospital campus.  It felt good to be off the treadmill and just be able to walk from point A to point B.  
I was bundled up in the 22 degree weather but my heart was pumping and then.......

I found the parking garage stairs.  Oh my, I couldn't get there fast enough.  I ran up and down the four flights and it was like my body was coming out of hibernation.  My body felt alive.  I was amazed that I could still run up and down them especially with the way my winter has went so far (macadamia nut hangovers, etc.). 

I felt strong!  It's amazing that just one year ago yesterday I couldn't walk from my bedroom to my kitchen without sitting down to rest.  I have come so far.  My journey isn't done but I am on my way.  

So I went outside for lunch to just bask in the 40 degree sunshine.  There were others outside and we all smiled at each other because we knew we felt the same amazing feelings.

Then after my workout at the gym (weight lifting stuff) I decided to walk home from the gym.  I was able to walk 1.5 miles before it got too dark and cold and my husband picked me up.  

I had him measure the distance from the gym to our home.  It's only 2.6 miles.  So on Saturday if we aren't covered in winter snow I am going to walk down to the gym for my workout and maybe even walk home.  
 It feels good to be alive, healthier and stronger.  

My dear friend Michelle started a group on facebook called "Marathon a Month".  I have been keeping track each day since January 1st.  I only have 2.34 miles left and I will have walked a marathon this month.

What are you doing to jump start your year?
 I would love to hear what you are doing.

If you want an invite to the "Marathon a Month" group.
Send me your email address at kostmac@hotmail.com

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Starting Again...

I love January because it's the start of a new year.. It's like the calendar says forget about what happened over the holidays and lets try this again.  We set new years resolutions.and start again to fix all the character flaws we see in ourselves.  Some of us set resolutions to eat better, exercise more, lose those 10 lbs we gained eating the holiday treats, de-clutter our houses, pay off our debts and the list could go on and on.  

Last January instead of quitting after two weeks I continued to work on myself all year.  I stumbled, quit for short periods of time and got back up.  I not only changed my physical body but I made big steps into taking back control of my life and I am a different person today.  I am so grateful to all the people who helped me, cheered me on, listened and started their own journeys and shared their experiences with me.  

I think I love hearing other peoples stories the most.  It helps me to know that others go through similar experiences as me. It helps me keep going when I want to give up.  

I am so grateful for my biggest cheerleader...Brett.  He's my amazing husband.  He's always bragging about me wherever we go.  He loves to share my story and how it's changed my life and also his.  This year for Christmas Brett and I gave each other an amazing gift.  We bought a 3 year membership to Gold's gym for both of us.  It's helped me to start again and also Brett on trying to get healthier for the rest of our lives.  
I get to work with a personal trainer twice a month for a year (Thanks Brett) and I will share on my blog what I learn.  

So I give you the challenge I received from my first trainer Justin (my sisters husband).  Set some goals in these four areas: Spiritual, Physical, Emotional and Mental (Learning new things).  Make them achievable, with a time frame, write them down and share them with someone so you're accountable.  

This little challenge changed my life in 2013 and will change it again in 2014. So here's to change and the chance to start again....

Thanks for stopping by....


Saturday, November 23, 2013

Starting over again....


Before & Now


 I am being brave in sharing these pictures and I am sure many of you will be disgusted at my morbid obesity but I want to be honest with myself of where I started and where I am now.  I am a person who needs to see things visually.
I am experiencing a minor set back right now but I have come a long way and I need to remind myself of where I don't want to be again. 

This journey "off the sidelines and into my life" is like a roller coaster.  You don't know if you are going up or coming down or what's around the next turn.  I am just holding on for dear life and trying to learn something new from each twist and turn.

I made progress yesterday.  I had a day filled with shame, which is a major food trigger for me, and I didn't stuff my feelings with the candy in the candy jar.  I felt the feelings, expressed them and found a different way to cope.  So today I start over again and try to repeat the positive things I learned yesterday.

Thanks for letting me share my journey.  It's not always pretty but it's real, honest and it's mine.

Thanks for stopping by...



Thursday, November 21, 2013

The great chocolate macadamia nut hangover of 2013....

OK..It's time for a bit more honesty.  This is the hardest part of my weight loss journey admitting when I have fallen off the path to a healthier me and I am stuck under a boulder that's made of chocolate covered macadamia nuts, coconut ice cream, and every other sweet or salty treat I can find.

It's been this way for a few months but it got really bad once I had my first chocolate covered macadamia nut in Hawaii.  I couldn't get enough.  I ate them like I was stranded on a desert island and that was all the food that was left.  I ate a whole bag (over two lbs I think) by myself.  I would sneak eat at night (I missed a couple and they melted all over my sheets) in bed or in the office.

I keep trying to get to the bottom of why I feel the need to stuff my feelings and become numb.  I have had some experiences in the past month or so where I was brought back to my youth when I felt awkward, unloved, unaccepted by friends and family and I haven't wanted to feel those feelings.  Some of the days I just ate until I felt sick trying to push those feelings away.   Other days I felt those crappy feelings but wanted to mask the pain so I ate.

I remember one Friday night I was alone in my home office watching a movie on television and I was back to an old habit of eating the ice cream right out of the carton.  I had a big spoon and I was shoveling it in.  When I finally stopped I had eaten the remaining ice cream in the carton.  It was almost half full.

So I have been committing myself everyday to try better and some day's I exercises, eat my fruits and veggies and do really well.  But other days are like this morning.  I started off great..I ate my peanut butter sandwich and carrots on my drive home from taking Brett to work.  But the binging cycle began again when I had to stop at the grocery store for hairspray.  I bought 3 Lindor truffles (they were gone before i left the parking lot) and then finished off the Doritos's and corn chips from this weekend.  I feel physically sick now.  It's going to be a long day. It's like the chocolate macadamia nut hangover all over again....

I have decided that changing your life is hard.  I am reading a book about loving your body right now.  The author has worked with anorexics, bulimics and others with food addictions overcome the problems and retrain your brain.  I think that's the hardest part of this journey for me.  It's so easy to slip back into old habits of unhealthy eating, making excuses on why you can't fit exercise into your life and on and on.

So this is where I am at.  I am stuck under my boulder.  I haven't written much because it's painful to admit that you are failing and using your old coping mechanisms to shove these feelings back down.  Each day or even hour is a time to start again.  So I am going to eat my apple for lunch and go for a walk on this cool winter day to do something positive for my health.  I may be stuck in a rut but I am not defeated.  I will learn to love this body and take care of it.  That includes my brain and retraining it to think a better thought.

Thanks for stopping by...


Wednesday, November 20, 2013

The turkey flap....

The turkey flap...

A couple of months ago I was sitting with my nephew Sam who is three.
We were talking about muscles and weight lifting.
 He used to watch his brother Tyler lift weights.
  He asked to see my muscles so I flexed like in the picture.
  He thought it was all muscles (ha ha ha).
  I moved my arms and the bottoms flapped like a turkeys wings.
He wanted to touch them so I said it was ok.
 He touched them and said, "They are not like Tyler's".
  I told him,"I know I need to start lifting weights like Tyler did".  

So this is the stuff the weight loss shows don't talk about..
All the excess skin you have leftover after having a  big weight loss.
   I have some work to do to tone up the arms.
  I know I will probably always have some of the excess skin because
 I stretched it to the limit as I gained weight over the years.

   So does anybody have any helpful hints to tone this part of the arms? or a good trainer that could help me?