Peace and Preparation

Peace and Preparation

It's almost been a year since my life took a different course than the one I had planned on.  My eternal sweetheart was called home and moved through the veil to return to his Heavenly Father, Jesus and many loved ones that were there to greet him.  I am grateful that Heavenly Father through the Holy Ghost had prepared me for this moment not only in the weeks before Brett passed away but several years before. 

I had always told Brett that if he died first, I would be admitted to the psychiatric ward because I wouldn't be able to function without him.  In 2014 at Christmas time, I had a nervous breakdown and was put into the psychiatric ward for 72 hours as a protection to myself.  After 2 days of isolation because I had the flu, I choose to go back to the psychiatric floor so I could get treatment to help me manage my mental illness.  I spent nine days including Christmas in the hospital with little contact from Brett because of circumstances beyond his control.  

As I had time to reflect in the hospital I learned some valuable lessons.  I had a new perspective of what my mom went through when she had to spend time in the psychiatric ward when I was growing up.  I could feel her around me and helping me through this frightening experience.  I had to face my fear that Brett might not be able to handle my diagnosis and could choose to walk away.  I had to take ownership for the things I didn't do to take care of myself, for those that I hurt and for whatever happened when I returned home.  I had to accept that others would set up boundaries to protect themselves and their families.

I learned that I could be alone. I learned that music brings calmness and peace to my mind, body and spirit. I learned the importance of silence and that I needed to listen more.  I gained appreciation for my freedom.  I learned coping skills to manage my emotions, the importance of sleeping and eating healthy and that I would be responsible for my actions and taking my medication once I left the hospital. I felt my Savior's love and the Holy Ghost comforting me. 

So you may ask, "How did this prepare you for Brett's death?".  I had gained some important knowledge and experience that has helped me to face my new reality.  I had already faced my fear of being hospitalized and had made the choice to take care of myself so that I wouldn't need to return.  I had the coping skills in place, support systems, medication and evidence that I could do hard things, survive and move forward.  

So many friends and family are amazed at the way I am handling Brett's passing.  They remind me that I am strong, brave and moving forward.  I am grateful for the challenges I have had in my life because they have shaped me into who I am today.  I have been able to feel peace, joy and happiness in this past year.  I  am grateful for the growth I have had and for the chance to practice my coping skills.   

Being a widow is by far the hardest thing I have experienced in my life this far.  The grieving process is exhausting and comes in waves.  I wouldn't change my circumstances because I have had incredible growth this past year.  I miss Brett with all my heart and I look forward to the day we are reunited. 

In honor of Brett, I am choosing for the next month to create four self care experiences in preparation for February 16th, the one year anniversary of Brett's passing, and journal about it here on my blog. My first self care experience relates to my physical health.  I have chosen to drink 100 ounces of water, eat a fruit and vegetable and walk for ten minutes each day for seven days and celebrate with getting a massage. 

I choose to take care of myself.  I choose to be responsible for improving my health.  I choose to live my life experiencing peace, joy, happiness, sadness, grief and the hundreds of other emotions we humans feel.  My life is good and my journey is one of growth.

I am Karalee.  I am a single, married, widow embracing my new normal.  I am a daughter of God and He loves me and I love Him.  I am loved, safe and protected by my King.

I love you.

Karalee